It's late midnight; I mean early morning,
I am still on the couch, I cannot go to bed. An undefinable sense of
restlessness has been growing within me since this evening. The orange street
light is penetrating through my curtains. It looks beautiful on my wall.
Instead of
romanticising its beauty, I am crying. Despite its beauty, the light reminds me
of the orange glow on the wall of my house; the same glow that glistened over
my blissful evenings with him, the same glow that stayed together with me
during my hard times with him. It is that beautiful orange glow that now
reminds me of him. The glow that was serenity to me before has now become an
eerie recurrence, almost avoidable.
I regret.
I ruined the
evening. I am a party animal; a gregarious beast. How the room had roared with
laughter.Some of my jokes were really working out pretty well. All my friends
were gelling in together, but I broke it, suddenly.
A dreary
gloom had come upon me, and I had ruined it for everyone. I wonder now…How
could I have broken it? I mean it’s possible to break glass, hearts, promises,
or even silence…But how had I managed to ‘break’ a party?
I’m sure
‘break’ isn’t the right word. May be ‘interrupt’ would’ve been a better choice.
But I didn’t really interrupt it either. I just sat there silent, like a rock.
Ironic…not a rock exactly, let’s stay a stone. The gloomy expression on my face
must have been the real kill-joy.
It wasn’t
because I’d lost the poker game. Of course not! I am not a bad loser. That was
just a game for me. I know it’s natural to win and lose in any game. It must’ve
been the song that created the melancholy environment. No, the songs were good,
but the memories attached to them…it was just that the song rustled my
memories. That’s it. No, no. It must’ve been the result of that extra glass of
beer that I’d gulped down, or let’s say the extra bottle. But how can anyone
get drunk on beer? Well…I guess people simply can.
How can I
forget? It was also because of that guy that reminded me of him.
Why did he
say that? How could he have told me to not be sure of the relationship…that
anything might happen? Will my boyfriend leave me just like my ex did? Of
course not! He won’t ditch me. He is always nice to me. Now is that something
to be worried about…a sign perhaps? Do we need to fight to ‘spice up’ our
relationship? Is he getting bored? Or am I getting bored? I am not! But why did
I start missing my ex all of a sudden at the party? Is it because we used to
fight and that kept our relation interesting?
It still
hurts; the way we broke up really does hurt. I must have carried around this
hurt with me for long. No wonder I could feel the pain at that precise moment;
it had finally found an outlet to flow. I have locked myself in a room in this
unknown house, and am drinking wine now. I am conscious that there are people
outside. A lot of them are getting wasted, many trying to impress pretty
ladies, many trying to charm others with their talk, and some—those I can hear
right outside the door—seem curious about why I’ve left the party and locked
myself in.
Do I miss
him? Of course not! I have fled a hundred miles away from him, a thousand
perhaps. I don’t really know, but I’m sure I’m pretty far from his shadow. I am
perfectly fine here. Wait, I know that horn. That’s my boyfriend’s car. But how
can he be here? He was at a meeting, at work. Let me draw this curtain, and
take a look. It is him! They must have called him. Why though..? I’m perfectly
fine.
I should go
outside and tell everyone I am fine, and that they must not get worried. I
should make an excuse, tell them that I was a bit dizzy and wanted fresh air.
Well, fresh air? In a locked room? Impossible! Maybe I should tell them I
needed more space; that I needed some time by myself. But a gregarious animal
like me, do I really need some time alone? Well they might think that I don’t,
but I do need to be by myself at times. Everybody does. But no one will do what
I did at this party. I feel stupid. I shouldn’t have rushed into this room. It
was a bad idea.
I am not
going out right now. Let me wait for a while. I can hear my boyfriend calling
me. Poor soul, he’d be devastated if he knew whom I am missing right now. He
has gone through a lot of that. Poor guy, he’s dealt with my past. Finally,
things are going better with us, and I don’t want him to think that I’m still
going nuts about my ex. Of course not! He’s been a real sweetheart.
He has
supported me throughout, and loved me, and given me the attention I deserve. I
don’t want to lose him. He knows me really well. But he knows me! He knows me
too well! He probably knows why I’ve locked myself in here.
When he gets
to me, he’ll get annoyed, and angry. My friends might believe my ridiculous
excuses, but he won’t. He will know—he knows! What should I do? I don’t want to
lose him. I love him!
Maybe I
should make a sad face so that he feel’s sympathy, even pity for me. Yes,
everyone will sympathise; so will he. That will do. I will just stay here a bit
longer. I am still in tears though. Even after all this thinking? But what am I
crying for? For my ex? Of course not! For me? But why? For my poor betrayed
heart? Or for the terror I feel at the thought of me losing the person I love
right now? Now just cut it off! I am not crying. I don’t feel sorrow at all! I
know I’ve only been pretending; but what for? Whom am I trying to impress? My
ex? My friends? My boyfriend? Or You?
